regret and shame.

Picture a sunny sky in the early hours of noon of August, I was already on a train towards him. I don't know what was my motive in contacting him beyond the initial Internet encounter or what was to be when I met him... Just friends? or something else entirely? Sure enough, I was going to find out.

I can't imagine things going any other way, knowing me... We talked about anything from politics to music to being gay. There was no escape. We sat in a cute coffee shop I love going to when I'm around... I ordered a strong cappuccino while the guy who was serving me (a much older guy) flirted with me, as if I was really into him. The guy I was with noticed the flirtation and asked directly if he gave me his number. "hell no!" I replied, with a snort.

In his car, driving around, sex was brought up as if it was mandatory that two gay guys would bring it up, sharing experiences. One thing led to another, and we ended up in an empty dark parking space... It was really intense, passionate and invited.

He was 29, almost 30. I didn't even like him that much... It felt so wrong afterwards, when he dropped me off at the train station, I felt dirty... Disgusted with myself. Me, a much older guy and an empty parking space.... It was so wrong. It felt so wrong.

I called my best friend, almost crying... Shocked. I could barely make a sentence.

Till this day I feel confounded when thinking about it...

Josh.

Oh, for god's sake

What is it with religion? Do people believe there is really one truth with the way god works? People follwoing blindly a book written by ordinary people. True enlightment, true spirtuality comes from within, not from above and certainly not a book.

The need to have 'god' in a religious, organized form confounds the hell out of me. The reason for it is probably a way for people to not lose it completely... Making sides of good and evil, black and white.

There isn't only one truth and it certainly not written in the book.

What I like about religion, or religions is that there is one message that rediates from them... Be good, do good and the rest will follow. That's my truth. Just be a good person, regardless of what religion tells you, or the world. Innate goodness lies within people... That's all you need.

And all of those people who try to tell otherwise, to convice, to change are full of shit... Cause acceptness is also a key in being religious.

Josh.

A New Start

Let's ask the obvious questions: Why am I here? What is the purpose in having this blog now? What am I trying to achieve?

During a trip to my former place of residence, I realized all of my memories from it come in a blurry, uncertain shape. The conclusion and need to start documenting my life in the most sincere, real and non censured way soon followed. Can you imagine? an entire year of my life being almost erased from my memories. That's not good.

Since I am too lazy to write my own journal on a piece of paper, I decided to create one online. A blog that would be open to all and would share details of my personal life. This is for me, not for you. But if you choose to read it, as a friend or as a random person you are most certainly welcomed.

Here's hoping for a good run and a good read!


Josh.