regret and shame.

Picture a sunny sky in the early hours of noon of August, I was already on a train towards him. I don't know what was my motive in contacting him beyond the initial Internet encounter or what was to be when I met him... Just friends? or something else entirely? Sure enough, I was going to find out.

I can't imagine things going any other way, knowing me... We talked about anything from politics to music to being gay. There was no escape. We sat in a cute coffee shop I love going to when I'm around... I ordered a strong cappuccino while the guy who was serving me (a much older guy) flirted with me, as if I was really into him. The guy I was with noticed the flirtation and asked directly if he gave me his number. "hell no!" I replied, with a snort.

In his car, driving around, sex was brought up as if it was mandatory that two gay guys would bring it up, sharing experiences. One thing led to another, and we ended up in an empty dark parking space... It was really intense, passionate and invited.

He was 29, almost 30. I didn't even like him that much... It felt so wrong afterwards, when he dropped me off at the train station, I felt dirty... Disgusted with myself. Me, a much older guy and an empty parking space.... It was so wrong. It felt so wrong.

I called my best friend, almost crying... Shocked. I could barely make a sentence.

Till this day I feel confounded when thinking about it...

Josh.